how cool would it be to wake up one day and not feel like shit
Why love is the epitome of an irony.
So many people claim love is the ultimate in Black or White. No grey areas, either it’s there or it isn’t, So far this has proven to be utter bullshit of the grandest calibre. It is in fact, the biggest grey area there is in regards to human emotions and well being. Yes, this is going to be a sanctimonious, bitter blog and not one fuck do I have to give.
The pros. Love is simultaneously the greatest and most bitter emotion a person can feel. It lifts you up to the greatest heights. Puts you on the grandest pedestal there is. Elates you in ways you didn’t think possible. Makes you feel better about being who you are. When you find someone who makes you feel indestructible, untouchable, it’s like finding the other half of yourself. When you’ve been burned in the past it covers the scars and begins the healing process when you thought you would always feel disfigured and wrong. It makes you feel beautiful when you’ve spent years being told your not. Believing your not worth the effort of being saved from your own black thoughts. They take those thoughts away and fill you with warmth and hope that maybe there is more to life than waking up, building the facade of a life that isn’t filled with misery and doubt.
The cons? For a vast percentage of us, this is the biggest lie there is. Fuck Santa Claus, fuck the easter bunny. Love is the biggest lie we tell ourselves to make the world a less lonely place to live in. “True, unconditional love”. It’s a rare few who get to experience this and hold on to it. Even familial love is not unconditional. Example, you love your siblings yes? Now imagine you weren’t related. They were just some random person you’d just been introduced to. Would you love them then? No. They’d be just another stranger in the street.
The biggest lie of all is the “connection” you feel to another. This is what builds you up to begin with. So high you become blinded to everything else happening around you, even when other’s try to warn you. Love isolates you, but you don’t care because you have that connection to another that gives you everything you need. So much so you can’t breathe when they’re not around. You can’t think straight when they’re near but you can’t think at all when they’re not. You feel lost without them, almost like drowning. You wake up terrified in the night that one day you’ll turn over and they won’t be there. That it won’t be you they’re thinking about when they smile secretly. It won’t be you that is their first and last thought of the day.
Turns out, you never were. You were just something new and different. Love is not a double edged sword. It’s a knife in the dark, waiting for when you’re at your highest peak so you have further to fall when someone comes to knock down your self built pedestal. All those scars that were covered? It rips them open and leaves them bleeding. Those dark thoughts? Just leaves them darker and stronger than last time. Those pieces of your heart and soul you gave away thinking they were safe? Shattered and lost. You’re not getting those back.
Love leaves you with a gaping hole. It destroys everything in it’s wake just as easily as it built it up. Leaves the world without colour after everything looked so bright. When people say “It’s easier to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all” they have clearly never been where a lot of us find ourselves now. It is the favourite adage of those lonely souls who have never experienced the kind of selfish loss that leaves you crying at 3am every morning wondering what you did wrong. Leaves you waking up everyday and going to bed every night thinking of someone who only remembers you when they’re bored or when their wonderful new life hits a momentary dull bump in the road.
They never really loved you. They just convinced themselves that they did because they didn’t want to accept that they’d chosen to be with someone who wasn’t worth the effort. You don’t destroy what you love and they never really gave you their heart. It was a one way exchange and the first chance they got when they realised they couldn’t, or wouldn’t fight for you, they left you on the curb with nothing. Not even a roof over your head.
It’s been 8 months and I still can’t pull myself together, but then what’s the point? When you give someone everything and they throw it back in your face then what was your love really worth to begin with? Clearly not enough to fight for, not even to try. Months of neglect, snide comments, filthy looks… Running your self esteem into the ground before they take even the ground from under you. Making sure you’re at your lowest point before making the fatal move. If everything you are is worth so little to someone you sacrificed everything for and to someone else you risked everything for, then why bother rebuilding anything at all? If the people you loved the most can be so cruel then what’s your life really worth?
The worst part is, breathing is still hard without that part of me. Thinking still eludes me. I still feel lost and nothing makes sense. The problem with finding my way back is there’s no-one waiting to make it better. No reason to come back at all.
Man up and move on? Yeah, tried that. I’m not an independent person, I don’t cope well on my own, but I’ve never been so alone. I try and talk about it out loud or reach out and the words come out all wrong. All I manage to do is sound like a whiny child who can’t get their own way. I suppose in some ways that’s right. But is it too much to ask for love in return? Is it too much to ask for something in return for years of hard work, sacrifice and loyalty? Does that make me selfish? Do I care anymore? Probably not, hard to tell these days.
So yeah… Love. Turns out it’s not all it cracked up to be. Was it worth it? I hope she gives you everything you’re looking for, because clearly, I wasn’t it.